Love Warriors

Walking along in our neighborhood, her at the end of a half hour walk with our new little baby, me at the end of my half hour run, I felt the weight on my shoulders. I lifted them up to say the weight wasn't there. I hate the weight. I stretched for freedom. Freedom from arguments, from harsh looks, from harsh labels and declarations, from misunderstandings and miscommunication. I need to be free. Tomorrow is our 10 year wedding anniversary. Crazy, amazing, awesome, and really something. I'm proud of us.

I feel like a love warrior. We are love warriors.

On top of the weight, walking next to her, I felt scars, I felt bruises and gashes, I felt tears, and pounding fists, I felt ego and hurt feelings. I felt our life together. It's ironic that on the eve of our big anniversary, we've felt nothing but overwhelming frustration with each other and I'm straining to even remember what it's all about. That's the crazy thing, what are we upset about?!

"Just listen to me!" "Stop interrupting me!" "I can't talk to you." "Great, walk away." "Lower your voice in front of the baby." " Whatever." "Don't you ever say whatever to me, again. That's disrespectful."

We have a baby, now and so it seems that time has flown out the window. Our time to get things done has become so limited because now we have to and WANT to take care of, love, and teach our new little person in our lives. Our daughter was born March 14th, 2008 and is now a little over 3 months old.

It wasn't that bad during the first month. Sure it was tough, but I set my entire life aside. Took off of work for a month. Christie, my wife set her career on the side as well and we just coasted. Just time to take in this new little creation in front of us. We could get lost for hours looking into her little face and beaming smile. Nothing to fight about. Nothing really had to get done except meals, and dishes and diapers.

Then it crept back in, our careers. After the month was over, I went back to work. After 6 weeks she wanted to audition again. Now 3 months later, I'm working and auditioning, writing and planning, she's auditioning and suddenly we are low on food, the diapers haven't been washed, and we are juggling our lives in a way we have never had to do before.

I can see why people fall apart, why marriages don't make it. It's brutally hard to balance your life with a baby while working on a career, while being in a place where it's just the two of you, no nannies, no mothers, no other help, just you two. Wow.

So fifty feet from our house, walking side by side. I felt the bruises, still sore from this morning's talk. Then I felt her hand in mine. Or did I reach for hers. It doesn't matter. There we were, in step, hands swinging, her warm little frail hand wrapping around my fingers, squeezing my fingers as if her hand wanted to be there. I squeezed back, because I wanted to be there as well. We turned to each other and looked deep into each other's eyes. There was no doubt we loved each other, that we belonged together. We couldn't help but smile and feel our lips pull together. They had missed each other too long.

"I think we are love warriors," I said. "Love warriors," she said, "I like that."