I want to be...

Kissing my wife, making out with her, holding her, lying naked with her, feeling her body, making love. I want to hold her hand and lie in a hammock together or walk around the street. I want to hear those words, I miss you. You are handsome. I want you.

I'm staring over at my wife and seeing those sweet little delicious lips dissecting the day, but I'm only thinking how my lips would feel pressed up against hers. I hope she doesn't quiz me as she does sometimes. Are you listening? Yes. What did I just say? I usually make something up here based on the couple of words I did hear, or I just am silent. Either way she gets upset.

But now it doesn't matter, I yearn for her. But with a mountain of stuff between her and I on this kitchen table, how could we ever come together. I wish we could be in a movie for a while where we throw everything off the table, reaching and grabbing for each other, dying to make love. The way it was the night I asked her to be my girlfriend, on the beach, in the mouth of that cave in LaJolla, San Diego, the ocean lapping up against our feet in celebration of her saying yes.

Now it's a baby highchair and a baby reaching up for me. Abby wants me to hold her and she's pretty upset about it as an eleventh month old can be. On the table sits my lunch, on top of scripts and notes for my current show, Loveswell, bills, junk mail, an alarm clock, a camera, an organizer, a box of pasta, The Baby Book, and a half dozen other things collaging up my eating space and creating a list of to dos that's keeping me from those lips on my wife.

I pick up Abby. She reaches for my lunch as I pull her away. Christie hands me a green bean and I destring and nibble off a tiny bit, then playfully poke my tongue out at my daughter, the been dangling off. As usual she would reach up and take off the bean with her fingers, but she must of been hungry, she leaned in and mouthed it off my tongue before I even knew what happened.

It was one of the sweetest things she's done, so innocent, so wanting the food and seeing it there just went for it. My wife sighed, Oh, that's so sweet, she french kissed you. Don't say that. No, no, I'm kidding, that was so sweet. Oh, she's so cute. Everyday my daughter endears herself to us in some new way that blows our minds. This was one more on the list.

But part of me thought, I wonder if that would work on Christie? Maybe if I chewed up her food on her plate and sat close enough to her on the other side of this messy table, maybe she'd just go for me, if at least just to eat her dinner. I want to french kiss my wife.

The days just get so busy now, having a kid, working on shows, writing a play, auditioning, working, working out, cooking food, doing chores, and it's all so exhausting that I'm looking for her at the end of the day, only when I find my wife, we both just want to crash.

I want to be...hmmmm...so much.

Writing Loveswell

Hey John Fortson here. I'm back to blogging. Thought it would be fun as my One Person Show Loveswell is hitting the stage soon.

Someone asked me why I wrote Loveswell today. My one person show. It's not a new question but one that gets refined everytime I answer it.

I simply had to do it. I suppose like most writers, creators of things, these ideas come to you as if you were an antenna. Loveswell, sat in me for almost 10 years in another form, as another story. After a series of dead ends, I heard these bits and pieces of the story bumping around inside of me and finally had to listen. I've been very interested and challenged by the relationships in my life, with my relationship with even myself and so through my acting and my writing, Loveswell came to be.

The hilariously uplifting story of a man fighting for his relationship through the ups and downs of marriage as seen through the eyes of a surfer. It's a story about relationship, about grey areas of life, about all of us. Through telling our stories we all connect no matter how personal.

People said of Loveswell, "I felt as if I was at an intimate dinner party with you and found out things I never knew." I say to that I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to tell the things I feel insecure about because we all feel the same. We all have the same lives, just yours is in a different state and you go by a different name, but we are all the same.

I'm excited to share Loveswell again. It's been so fun to work with my director, Terrie Silverman again. To improv and dig deep to find the gold of stories lying beneath my skin. I look forward to Loveswell hitting the Hudson Theatre, here in Los Angeles, May 1st-June 7th.
Take care, John

Loving Cloth Diapers

This was a letter to Celebrity Baby Blog that was posted about us using cloth diapers. Abby was just a week old, maybe two in the picture.

In sharing our happiness, we also would love to pass along to other parents and or parents to be, one of the best discoveries in baby products that we have found, Happy Heinys cloth diapers.

Being conscious of the health of our baby and the environment, we had been discussing alternative ways to diaper our baby while Christie was pregnant. At the same time, part of our discussions were on how to make alternative diapering, like cloth diapers, work. We found ourselves facing many of the same worries I'm sure others have: What about washing and handling the diapers? How much time it would take to do so with our busy schedules? Where do you keep them until you wash them?

We first became aware of Happy Heinys while at the Boom Boom Room event in Hollywood where we met the owner and creator of Happy Heinys, Linda Byerline. There we were able to spend a lot of time with Linda discussing the pros and cons of cloth diapering. We went home and kept researching, looking online at reviews, and reading about how other parents did it. We went to www.diaperpin.com and saw that Happy Heinys were one of the highest reviewed products available. And thus we decided to make the leap and use Happy Heinys when our daughter Abby was born. We are so happy we did!

I called Linda and told her, "I want to be that person, because I believe and am passionate about not just the environment but our planet and the message we send to our kids and others through the choices we make. Although I have contributed in other ways through various charities, environmental causes, cleaning up beaches, etc ... there will never be a better opportunity to do one simple thing that will help make such a difference for our planet as using cloth diapers. When you think of all the plastic diapers, sitting all over the world, buried in our dirt, seeping into our waters ... waters we all enjoy ... you have to. When our children have babies and they face the same choice what will we tell them we did?"

And after using Happy Heinys for the first 6 ½ weeks of Abby's life, here are some thoughts that Christie and I have on using the diapers:

What we have found in Happy Heinys is a wonderful complete system of cloth diapers that makes it very easy, affordable, and with all the color choices, fun.

We all live in a world where brilliant minds have made things easier for us through technology, however in many cases, as we later find out, to the detriment of our health and our planet. Thankfully, we all are becoming more educated and aware about these issues. And, at the same time, that's when the rub happens.

We struggle with choices on how to make a difference in how we live, to live greener, but, we've all become accustomed to the ease and it's hard to step out and make a decision when many, even our friends and family, laugh at the idea, because they think it's impossible, or wasn't the way they did it, or that it doesn't make a difference.

Yet, it does come down to each one of us, individually, doing something, one thing, in different areas of our lives, doing what we can, that does make a difference, for the planet we all enjoy, and ultimately for us and our children.

Some of our debate about using cloth diapers was whether the handling and laundering would be overwhelming, considering our busy schedules. From day one, it's been nothing but easy. Once you change one dirty diaper, every parent finds out that the dirty doesn't bother you anymore. And 5 minutes, 5 minutes or less is all you need to get them in the washer. We argue, they're every bit as easy as using disposables.

Why do we really care? In our minds they just seemed healthy and clean, a nice choice over some plastic disposables that contain chemicals to absorb. And 500 Years!! Disposables made of plastics, sit in our earth, for 500 years. Christie and I both surf and are avid ocean and water lovers. We love the beaches and the beauty of the ocean. It so saddens us that after a rain storm it is advised that no one enter the water for at least 3 days because of the run off of pollution that the rain washes from our lands into the ocean. How does this effect the fish, the dolphins, the seals, the birds? How does it effect us? They warn us that you could get sick swimming in the water. We know many people who have.

Again it hit us; dirty diapers sitting in landfills for 500 years all over the United States, all over the world, being piled up on top of each other, day after day. Eventually, we have to believe, the waste will find it's way to water, our ocean, the water we drink. Using cloth diapers allows the waste to be disposed of the best way we all know how, through the sewer system where it belongs.

We have found tremendous fun, diapering our little girl in Happy Heinys. These bright, colorful diapers add great personality to her outfits. But we must say that we are most impressed with the care and quality with which Happy Heinys are made. Wash after wash they continue to look like new and easily work as well or better as any disposable diaper throughout the day and night. It's great to see brilliant minds like Linda Byerline and Happy Heinys coming up with and offering healthy alternatives that we can all feel good about.

Thanks for letting us share with you all. It's only through all of us sharing our human experience that we are able to come together as communities and people, to help and inspire each other. We look forward to sharing with you all more in the future.

Here is a deal I'm happy to share with you that Happy Heinys included on CBB

CBB Deal: Use coupon code CBB to save 10% at www.happyheinystore.com

Having Our Baby...

From an article posted on Celebrity Baby Blog about the birth of our daughter, Abby Ryder

So many people have asked us about our daughter Abby being born that Christie and I wanted to share a little with you and all our friends out there as well as a few of our favorite pictures so far.
We have been truly blessed by the birth of our daughter Abby Ryder Fortson. Becoming parents is a magical time and you find every single cliché coming true whether you want it to or not. Your life will change. You'll fall in love. You won't sleep. You'll just stare at your baby for hours. Etc ... It's all true.

What amazes both of us is holding her in our arms and watching her study our faces. Mesmerized, she seems to be so wise as she stares calmly back at us. Then for whatever reason the most beautiful little smile grows on her face. Filled with happiness, her smile seems to say how much she loves us.

At that moment, no matter where we are, standing in a store, at the farmer's market, at the park, the rest of the world dissolves around us. It simply disappears and there we are papa and baby and or mama and baby, alone, smiling contented at each other, hearts filled with love and with the singular purpose of nurturing this little angel of a creation.

In that moment of love and light, the sleepless nights, the fussing, the crying, the emotions, the questions of doing it all right or wrong, the impact our imperfectness will have on her, the worrying; it all fades away. Our world balances perfectly.

Read the entire article: http://www.celebrity-babies.com/2008/05/introducing-abb.html

And so she wants to crawl

My baby wants to crawl. Five months old, Abby has now discovered rolling. Well she's been rolling over for sometime and being a new parent it really is something. I mean I could watch her all day just, pulling one arm around, leaning her little head over, and twisting her legs until yes she's landed on her back from her stomach or visa versa. It's like watching the Olympics. Watching an athlete moving precisely to get from one place to another. I could do it so easily and really I never roll around on the floor, that it seems so foreign to me. Watching her is like watching a master make something you've never seen before. I'm fascinated.

It was just 9 or so years ago when a friend had called me to say that her son had rolled over and I said, "Well roll him back over." Big deal I thought. But as soon as Abby did it. Big deal, I thought!! I threw my arms up in the air in triumphant victory over physics. She got a perfect 10, as if in the Olympics. And I praised her and praised her and she just smiled completely unaware of what just happened and a little upset I think.

So here five months later, I'm watching her twist her body all around and so quickly, rolling over is nothing to her anymore. I don't congratulate her like I did, I have to say, I just more stand in amazement. It used to be that I'd lie Abby down on the floor in her room, give her a toy, say I'll be right back, and head off to finish my breakfast, or get the diapers, or something. I'd come back and there she'd be, right there, yes, she hadn't moved, not an inch, just licking her plastic ball. But now, I lie her down, give her a toy or her book she can squish and eat, walk out, come back and there she is, on the other side of the room, up against the wall, pulling on the drapes?!

It's as if there were magic happening in my house. I mean real magic, like poltergeist the movie. You leave the room, turn back around and there the dining room chairs are all up on the table. For a moment, scary. I stand there with half a smile on my face, perplexed. "How'd you get over there," I ask? She ignores me and sucks on the curtain. Or she smiles at me as if, you'll never know.

But now, oh, she's just not satisfied with rolling herself around. No, no. Just as I'm just not happy with this old cellphone and I keep eyeing that IPhone everyone has, she's not wanting to roll. She wants to crawl. Oh, that toy in the box today sitting in the living room that we hadn't given her yet was looking good. Completely board with her Mozart playing - safari animal play mat with hanging monkey, bird, and giraffe, she looked over, saw the colorful box and turned her body right for it. She was off. Here she comes. Reaching, stretching, groaning, kicking and she moved nada, not one inch. For ten minutes. Well she might of moved an inch. Simply by shear desire and maybe the reaching, but really she got no where.

"Abby why don't you just roll. You are so good at it," I thought. No, she leaned side to side, growling at the box, roaring at the box. Was she upset? Was she frustrated? Was she crying? It was hard to tell, she had moments of rest, then jumped right back into it and still got no closer really. But I loved watching her, she's pushing herself up and putting her head down and kicking her legs and I guess it's just this whole first time puzzle of the human brain and body that's so fascinating to me. She's growing and growing up, almost five months now. Where did the months go?

It's like she's been here for years and yet, it was just this year, a few months ago, she was inside her mama's tummy. Crawl, baby, crawl. I move her legs and push them forward and help her or hold my hand near her feet so she can push forward, not really crawling but scooting toward the box. I want her to get it and then I hear, "keep her down as long as possible." "I'm telling you, man, as soon as she can walk, that's it, having a sit down anything is over, your life is over," some people say. I don't know though, I'm excited. I can't wait for her to hold my hand and walk on the beach together letting the water hit our feet and drawing pictures in the sand.

I know we need to baby proof, but her walking out of her room, rubbing her eyes, and stepping up into my arms for a hug will just about crush me. So crawl baby, crawl. You can do it.

My Baby Is Not Mine

My baby Abby. How easy it is for me to say, "my baby." And she is isn't she. Four and a half months old. I go in pick her up at 2:30 in the morning, exhausted, change her, bring her in for mama to feed. Abby smiles at me, happy to see me. Lovingly I smile back at her. She is mine. I hold her and feel her little body against mine. Her tiny arms and hands wrapping around my shoulders, her head nestled into my neck. I love it and her.

In the morning, I'm so happy to see her, to lie next to her on the floor and hold her up over my head and see her laugh and smile back at me. My baby is mine. Abby is mine. My daughter, my sweet little daughter. Our eyes are locked. Her beautiful grey blues staring into my browns melting my heart. Our smiles mirror. And then, she looks away.

She's bored with me. What's she looking at? What's more important than her Papa? A light, the wall, a picture, her dresser, the floor? Abby I'm here, here, here I am, I think. Look at me. But she doesn't. Her face glides by me to look at the light shimmering in, peeking in from beneath the blind, then up at the ceiling fan.

And I get it. I see it, clearly. She is not mine. She is the worlds. I know in this moment that I don't own her. I can't control her. She is the worlds and I am here to only guide her. To get her on her feet so she can fly by herself. She doesn't and will never belong to me. She is her own person even at just four months old.

Wow. There's a selfish feeling squirming around inside me and I have to say it out loud. I'm jealous? I'm sad? What is it, I'm both. I'm aware and that's good, I guess all my self help therapy would tell me. I recognize that I'm just the father.

I can't help but to think of my father and what he thinks of us, our relationship. Who are we? I feel sad. I could cry. My daughter will up and move out, move to the other side of the world and through 2 misscarriages with my wife, and three years of trying and stopping and talking and crying and biting our teeth, she'll move away. Just like that.

She'll be looking at the light creeping into her room. The light of a college in New York, Europe, a boyfriend, a calling, a passion, a something calling her to pick up and be her own person. I see it already and through the insecurity, through the selfish thoughts, I am amazed at the power of life. I'm blown away by the power of spirit and our humaness. The basic life driving makeup we all share, to be our own person.

Today part of the piping in my house needed to be replaced. The main pipe that leads out of the house towards the sewer. I got it done, had someone come out, but still, I had to call my Dad. I had to call him and tell him the details, looking for a, you did good son or something. To share life with him. No matter what we've been through either apart or together and no matter my feelings toward him whether good or bad, I've never been able to say these weren't my parents.

Sometimes I wonder why can't they just be regular people that I can just forget? I've not lived with both of them for so many years now. My eyes focused on the light of a career and and life in California and on traveling and on surfing and on my wife and now my baby. I am all these things. A Dad isn't an end to end all for my child, the world is there for her to explore for a reason I guess. I know I enjoy it in my life. My Dad did it, I did it, and I know she'll do it. I have to give her to the world.

Now she's turned her head back to me and is smiling at me again. She holds her stare again and gazes deep into my eyes. I try not to count the seconds before she turns away again. I try and just breathe her in and enjoy our moment however long. Her silence speaks wisdom to me as if she could hear the words writing in my head. As if she could hear my insecurities. And her calmness, her stillness, her unflinching stare seems to say, You are okay, Papa, she says. You are okay. Then she looks away.

Looking forward to blogging

I've been missing writing, constantly working on my feature script, Loveswell of late. So I am writing, but not the daily bloggy stuff I set this up to do. Having a baby four months ago has added to that as well.

Life seems to be such a tear. I would be so happy just being with my baby and my wife if there weren't this whole making money and even worse freedom to work towards a passion and career that I want to work toward. Because that's what I've got reeling in the back of my head everyday. I need to write, I have to get my new reel together, I have to submit headshots, I have to go for a run, I need to work out, I have to put in new sprinklers, I have to put the gutters up on the house, I have to get my office together, I have to make phone calls, I have to go to work.

These things seem to run up my spine and make my body tremble with angst as I hear my baby cry again and I sigh having to get in there to pick her up. Then I look into that little beautiful face of light smiling up at me and I want feel pulled away from it all. I envision lying on a hammock near the beach...forever...with her and my wife, just living...just living.

The indians did it, you know, hang with your wife and baby all day, plant a crop, eat, live, but no I gotta be anything. They thought, we need to find more buffalo, or it's time to migrate to warmer climates or not, or let's go hunting, but not a daily 21st century grind of modern gadgets and made up careers eating away at their being.

I'm up at 1am writing this, home from work, the house is quiet, and it's the only time I have. I feel like I should give up sleeping all together then I would have tons of time to get everything done. But I can't do it. I can for a few days but I start feeling on edge. I get fiesty and angry over stupid things. I just look at the pile of dishes in the sink and could easily just angrily throw them all away, smashing them into the garbage can, as I could clean them. Get it out of me, get out this angst, this modern world and just let me be.

When I'm done here, I'll collapse into bed, but this blog is really just a deterence to not write the real blog I've been thinking about. And I'll find many other things to do to block writing it so that I'll just continue with the angst. No I'll do it. Now that this one is done.

Love Warriors

Walking along in our neighborhood, her at the end of a half hour walk with our new little baby, me at the end of my half hour run, I felt the weight on my shoulders. I lifted them up to say the weight wasn't there. I hate the weight. I stretched for freedom. Freedom from arguments, from harsh looks, from harsh labels and declarations, from misunderstandings and miscommunication. I need to be free. Tomorrow is our 10 year wedding anniversary. Crazy, amazing, awesome, and really something. I'm proud of us.

I feel like a love warrior. We are love warriors.

On top of the weight, walking next to her, I felt scars, I felt bruises and gashes, I felt tears, and pounding fists, I felt ego and hurt feelings. I felt our life together. It's ironic that on the eve of our big anniversary, we've felt nothing but overwhelming frustration with each other and I'm straining to even remember what it's all about. That's the crazy thing, what are we upset about?!

"Just listen to me!" "Stop interrupting me!" "I can't talk to you." "Great, walk away." "Lower your voice in front of the baby." " Whatever." "Don't you ever say whatever to me, again. That's disrespectful."

We have a baby, now and so it seems that time has flown out the window. Our time to get things done has become so limited because now we have to and WANT to take care of, love, and teach our new little person in our lives. Our daughter was born March 14th, 2008 and is now a little over 3 months old.

It wasn't that bad during the first month. Sure it was tough, but I set my entire life aside. Took off of work for a month. Christie, my wife set her career on the side as well and we just coasted. Just time to take in this new little creation in front of us. We could get lost for hours looking into her little face and beaming smile. Nothing to fight about. Nothing really had to get done except meals, and dishes and diapers.

Then it crept back in, our careers. After the month was over, I went back to work. After 6 weeks she wanted to audition again. Now 3 months later, I'm working and auditioning, writing and planning, she's auditioning and suddenly we are low on food, the diapers haven't been washed, and we are juggling our lives in a way we have never had to do before.

I can see why people fall apart, why marriages don't make it. It's brutally hard to balance your life with a baby while working on a career, while being in a place where it's just the two of you, no nannies, no mothers, no other help, just you two. Wow.

So fifty feet from our house, walking side by side. I felt the bruises, still sore from this morning's talk. Then I felt her hand in mine. Or did I reach for hers. It doesn't matter. There we were, in step, hands swinging, her warm little frail hand wrapping around my fingers, squeezing my fingers as if her hand wanted to be there. I squeezed back, because I wanted to be there as well. We turned to each other and looked deep into each other's eyes. There was no doubt we loved each other, that we belonged together. We couldn't help but smile and feel our lips pull together. They had missed each other too long.

"I think we are love warriors," I said. "Love warriors," she said, "I like that."