Looking forward to blogging

I've been missing writing, constantly working on my feature script, Loveswell of late. So I am writing, but not the daily bloggy stuff I set this up to do. Having a baby four months ago has added to that as well.

Life seems to be such a tear. I would be so happy just being with my baby and my wife if there weren't this whole making money and even worse freedom to work towards a passion and career that I want to work toward. Because that's what I've got reeling in the back of my head everyday. I need to write, I have to get my new reel together, I have to submit headshots, I have to go for a run, I need to work out, I have to put in new sprinklers, I have to put the gutters up on the house, I have to get my office together, I have to make phone calls, I have to go to work.

These things seem to run up my spine and make my body tremble with angst as I hear my baby cry again and I sigh having to get in there to pick her up. Then I look into that little beautiful face of light smiling up at me and I want feel pulled away from it all. I envision lying on a hammock near the beach...forever...with her and my wife, just living...just living.

The indians did it, you know, hang with your wife and baby all day, plant a crop, eat, live, but no I gotta be anything. They thought, we need to find more buffalo, or it's time to migrate to warmer climates or not, or let's go hunting, but not a daily 21st century grind of modern gadgets and made up careers eating away at their being.

I'm up at 1am writing this, home from work, the house is quiet, and it's the only time I have. I feel like I should give up sleeping all together then I would have tons of time to get everything done. But I can't do it. I can for a few days but I start feeling on edge. I get fiesty and angry over stupid things. I just look at the pile of dishes in the sink and could easily just angrily throw them all away, smashing them into the garbage can, as I could clean them. Get it out of me, get out this angst, this modern world and just let me be.

When I'm done here, I'll collapse into bed, but this blog is really just a deterence to not write the real blog I've been thinking about. And I'll find many other things to do to block writing it so that I'll just continue with the angst. No I'll do it. Now that this one is done.