surfing my relationship

This piece was performed at Beyond Baroque Literary Arts Center, part of the Lifestories series.

As a note: I never wanted to include, well I shouldn't say never, actually, I always wanted to include surfing into my written performances. The reason for my swaying is that surfing in America carries so many stereotypes. Through movies, surfers have been characterised as the surfer dude, the unresponsible, the stoner, the beach bum, none of which describe me. I'm not putting anyone down, just saying I've always been highly passionate about surfing and have surfed for over 29 years now, but at the same time, I've led a responsible life outside of surfing.

However, once I took a risk and performed this piece about my relationship, relating it through surfing, the audience loved it and thus the inclusion of surfing into my show, Loveswell, became
inevitable. People who never surfed came up to me to comment on how much the ocean and surfing make perfect backdrops to relationships. One wave being the perfect day with your love, a ride you never want to end. The next wave closing out on you reflecting those days when your love looks like the scariest wave you've ever seen. So here is one piece that really inspired me. See what you think...


Sitting out on my board, bobbing up and down, waiting, scanning the calm waters for a ripple. A ripple turning into a wave I’ll catch and surf back to the beach. Man, I love this.

Cool water on my hands as I wave them like flippers beneath the still water. I can see my dangling feet, my reflecting face, my thoughts. I look out and see water meeting sky, light blue meets dark forming a line, asking the sun to set. A pelican glides by so uniform, so perfect, waving its fingery feathers above the water, balancing the air. The rusty sea kelp washes and bends over my board and my leg, reminding me I am not alone, then disappears.

The ocean’s been my sanctuary since I was a kid helping me surf through boring summers, girlfriend heartbreaks, my father’s absence. I feel at one in my mother ocean. I feel perfect, because I have completely forgotten that this weekend I will be getting married for the rest of my life.

I’m not scared of getting married, just scared of getting through the marriage, because I’m marrying her. Christie, my long life friend, room mate, acting buddy, the drive me crazy then turn soulmate, love of my life. I had always dreamed of a fantasy someone, it just was never her. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly in love. Oh, excuse me.

Automatically my feet spin circles under the water as my eyes have caught the sight that makes me happy. A wave's coming. My body doesn't think, it moves. Hands pull through green water and I'm facing the beach. My chest lies down on my friend, my board. She knows all my waves good, bad, and foreign. I paddle, stroking each hand in front of me as hard as I can. Muscles strain as my breathe reaches out for the cool air. The wave rises toward the sky behind me as if it were to pounce on my back. It pulls me toward it, the water underneath my board dragging me backwards, until I'm nuzzled up right against it and then it happens. The wave that could seem menacing playfully pushes me. My hands no longer reach out to paddle, they lift out of the water, knowing their next job is to push me up. And they do, lightening fast, they hit the deck of my board, palms open, fingers spread, lifting my entire body up into a gymnasts maneuver. My legs swing underneath me and in an instant I'm standing. My eyes take in the beauty of the wave before me and as I drop in, gliding up and down it's face, I get to know the wave that will be part of my life now forever.

Whheehoooo!!! Look at this wave. Sometimes, you just want to stand there, feeling free, at one with this living thing you've caught. You don’t need or want to do any fancy tricks, you just want to remember the moment forever, love it.

Like when I stood there looking at Christie in Bed Bath and Beyond. She's in deep thought, dressed in her old t-shirt and overall shorts, looking at a blue colander. My face had this silly grin on it. She gets me. I feel free with her. I can be myself. I wanted to bask in the perfect moment forever. I wanted to be her man, to take care of her, to love her all at once. I wanted that blue colander to mean something to us. I wanted us to be making dinner with that colander together, forever.

But you see, I am scared because all I have ever known is divorce. My parents divorce’s. I mean just in between my parents there have been 7 marriages and 6 divorces. In between Christie’s parents there have been 5 marriages and 3 divorces. Between our parents 12 marriages and 9 divorces??? I worry about the reasons that my parents got divorced. I mean, as far as I know, it wasn’t because someone cheated or stole money or decided they were gay, it was for the plain, old, reliable, irreconcilable differences. We just can’t get along.

My mom, to this day, still says, I will always love your father, Johnny, but I just can’t live with him. I believe in true love, in someone that’s meant for me and I believe that someone is Christie. I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Oh, hold on.

Another wave approaches. I turn around, paddle as she lifts me up, playfully daring me to ride. I push up and stand, but this wave won't have me and as soon as I've dropped in, as soon as I've reached the bottom of the wave, she's decided it's over. She walls up, shouting her disapproval at me by breaking over my head, pushing me off my board, pushing me under, into the darkness. Water races around my face, my body, pulling my arms, my legs in different directions. Then just like an earthquake, the shaking is over. I relax and reach for the surface. My head bobs into the air and my lungs expand with new air.

It’s okay, it happens. Sometimes surfing is scary.

What if I fail her? What if I lost the true love of my life? I think my heart would melt, spiral into deep depression, standing alone in a corner for the rest of my life. Sometimes when Christie and I get into a fight, I get that same scary feeling and think, maybe I am not cut out for marriage.

What if I can’t handle it one day when Christie won’t take out the trash or we’re yelling and screaming in the middle of the night because it’s hot and I’ve got her elbow in my ear. Will you scoot over? No. Please? No. Christie! John, I’m sleeping! Or I swear, if I miss a turn off the freeway and she says one more time, Where are you going???!!! I am pulling over and walking because I’ll explode. And she will get mad that I got mad, and the whole thing will get blown out of proportion and we will end up in divorce because I missed the exit to the movies. OOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!

I have never quit surfing, falling, failing, frustrated in my learning, cursing my board, pulling my feet up because I swear I saw a shark, or the waves were big and broke my board in half. I never quit. Would I be a quitter if I left my marriage? Is it strength or weakness? For now, I choose to live in the remembrance of the kisses, the hugs, the laughs, the frozen pictures, thousands of pictures glued to the membranes of my mind bringing a smile to my face when I think of her. This is where I want to live, so like the wave that crashes me, I wait under the water until I feel it pass me by. I pull myself back up onto my board and turn back to the horizon, back toward the ocean I love and the next playful wave she'll cook up for me. Because I want to keep surfing. I love it too much to quit.